The Hidden Cost of Being a “Good Girl” | Somatic Therapy San Francisco

As a person who grew up in the 80s and 90s and whose parents constant admonishment involved the words “be a good girl, “ I recently took a minute to unpack how these words affected me personally. I remember being a strong-willed little girl, full of sass, sure I was pretty and smart and whatever positive adjectives people said about me. However, over time, that confidence eroded, mostly through the continual socialization around gender norms. As a little girl, I learned that I needed to be polite at all costs. I practiced swallowing my feelings whole, since making sure other people felt ok was more important than whatever pesky feelings might be bubbling up in my body. Who I was and what I felt did not matter, as long as the people around me felt good. For me, since my worth became equated to how I made others feel, if someone did not feel alright it automatically became my problem to fix. With such thorough conditioning, is it any wonder I became a therapist? As a somatic therapist in San Francisco, I know that for me, some of the ailments I experienced were due to suppressing feelings. With my clients, I see many of the same somatic and mental health complaints that recur when people are unable to express, show, or process feelings, either due to a lack of safety or a lack of knowledge. Learning to suppress our emotions may have served us at one point in our lives but at what cost? As a somatic therapist, I help people unravel what happens when we spend years suppressing emotion. Here are some of the consequences of unexpressed feelings.

How People-Pleasing Can Disconnect Us From Ourselves And Cause Harm: A Somatic Therapy Perspective

1) We disrupt and potentially sever the connection between our bodily sensations and what we are feeling. While this may not seem like a huge deal at first, over time it may lead to a not knowing how you are feeling. Your body is essentially trying to tell you to pay attention to an emotion via physical sensations. The more you ignore the sensations to avoid feeling an emotion, after a while, you will not register those sensations. So when you try to look to your body for clues about how you feel, you may not be able to locate any. Initially my clients describe feeling “numb” or simply shrug when asked what they are feeling, particularly in their bodies.

2) Our emotions may become bigger or more intense in an attempt to get us to notice them. An emotion that could have been fleeting may continue to grow or we may experience anxiety on top of the original emotion we were trying to avoid or ignore. The original emotion might have only lasted a few seconds—however, by trying to bypass the emotion ironically we make it last longer or find new ways to dwell on it. It may take more energy to suppress emotion than to actually feel it and allow it to pass. We exchange momentary discomfort or pain for longer lasting, more chronic unease and hurt.

3) We start to ignore all physical sensations, not just ones related to emotions. When we believe that physical sensations are inconsequential, there can be unintended outcomes. We don’t acknowledge the physical discomfort that may be a signal that something is physically wrong with us and may delay or not seek treatment for medical conditions. We cannot pick and choose what we feel and in order to numb one physical sensation, we may end up numbing all of them.

4) When we repress emotions, there are consequences to our mental and physical health. Suppressing our true emotions can decrease the effectiveness of our immune system, increase stress, and lead to mental health conditions such as depression. (Patel and Patel, 2019).

5) Lastly, in our eagerness to be “good” we make everyone happy but us. It’s easy to get along with others when we constantly agree with them. A lot of people grow up in families where they are not allowed to be their true selves and thus the people-pleasing begins as a strategy to not lose connection to one’s tribe. However, our own happiness is sacrificed when we are not allowed to have our own opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Those who truly love you will allow you space to be your own person, even if it occasionally makes them unhappy.

As a somatic therapist in San Francisco, I have helped many people learn to feel safe feeling and expressing their emotions. If you are ready to start living a life where you feel lighter, happier and that you are your most authentic self, please contact me at lisa@lisamanca.comor (415)212-8780. I would love to help you on this journey. Included below are FAQs about somatic therapy and its benefits.

FAQs About Somatic Therapy San Francisco

1. Do I need to have dance experience or a particular type of movement experience?
Not at all. Dance therapy isn’t about choreography or performance—it’s about exploration. You move in ways that feel authentic and safe to you.

2. What if I feel uncomfortable in my body?
That’s actually one of the most common reasons people come to this work. We go slowly and compassionately. Your comfort and consent are always prioritized.

3. Is this therapy or coaching?
This is therapy. I’m a licensed mental health professional and a board certified dance therapist. We work with both emotional and physical experiences to support deep healing.

4. How is somatic therapy different than talk therapy?

Somatic therapy (in particular dance therapy) involves building body awareness to help us understand our emotional landscapes. You will move your body AND process the movement and what is happening within the body.

5.How often do we meet?
Weekly sessions are recommended. Consistency is key, especially early on as we build trust and momentum.

6. Can we do somatic therapy virtually?
Yes! Many clients choose online sessions and find the work still very powerful, even through a screen. I’ll guide you in creating a supportive space at home.

7. What if I cry or feel overwhelmed during a session?
That’s okay. Big feelings are welcome here. You’ll never be left alone in those moments—we’ll move through them together.

8. What if I’ve tried therapy before and it didn’t help?
Somatic therapy often works when other modalities don’t, especially if you’ve struggled to connect with your emotions or body. This approach goes beyond insight and into embodied change.

9. Does somatic therapy help with trauma?
Yes, many of my clients are healing from developmental, relational, or complex trauma. Somatic therapy can be especially helpful for trauma recovery.

10. How do I know if somatic therapy is right for me?
We’ll figure that out together. The free consult is a great time to talk through what you’re needing and whether this work aligns.

11. What should I wear to sessions?
Anything comfortable that lets you move freely. No need to dress up. Come as you are.

Patel, J., & Patel, P. (2019). Consequences of Repression of Emotion: Physical Health, Mental Health and General Well Being. International Journal of Psychotherapy Practice and Research, 1(3), 16-21. https://doi.org/10.14302/issn.2574-612X.ijpr-18-2564