Things I wish I Knew When Starting Therapy

Just like many therapists have before me, I have been to therapy (multiple times). And just like many of my clients, at first I found the process somewhat intimidating and scary. You are placing your secrets and your mental health into someone’s hands and hoping for the best. The entire exercise seems built to make a person feel vulnerable: From the initial phone call where you describe to a stranger what you think might be wrong, to sessions where you sit in a room telling intimate details of your life, a person can feel exposed and perhaps scared. However, if you are able to tolerate the vulnerability and simultaneously open up to your therapist, you can learn more about yourself than you might ever imagine. Since I have been in both the roles of the therapist and the client, I feel qualified to talk about the things I have learned in therapy and the things I wish I knew when starting therapy.

A few things I wished I knew when starting therapy—Insight from somatic therapy San Francisco

1) The rapport with your therapist is the most important thing when considering how effective therapy will be for you. As I wrote about earlier, the therapy process can be very vulnerable and involves telling your innermost feelings and thoughts, many of which you might never have shared with anyone before. The good news is 1) you don't have to tell everything all at once, and 2) you get to choose with whom you share the details of your life. So, I recommend taking your time to get to know your therapist and shopping around until you find a therapist that you feel comfortable talking to, even in the initial consultation. The amount of trust you can place in your therapist (eventually and not all at once) determines the results you will see.

2) Therapy takes time. . .sometimes more time than you would like. I recall being in therapy after a particularly rough break-up and wanting to speed up the process. I thought the more therapy I did, the quicker the healing process would be. I essentially thought, “I know I feel awful now, and I want to fasttrack my healing and get through all the unprocessed emotions as quickly as possible. I can heal years of hurt faster than any other human!” Unfortunately, therapy does not always work quickly and painlessly, even though we wish it would. I spent several months sorting through the pain and emotions that I avoided for most of my life. Toward the end of this round of therapy, I negotiated a new relationship with my emotions and felt I could cope with my life and my feelings in a different, more positive way.

3) Transparency is the only way to progress in therapy. I cannot tell you the number of times a client has withheld pertinent information—it might be something small, like omitting events or actions, to something larger, like a diagnosis or the fact that they were currently seeing another therapist besides me. The truth is, the more honest you are with your therapist (and yourself!), the more progress you will make. And a good therapist wants you to succeed: they want you to learn all the skills and process your wounds so that you can live your life without their help. Since therapists are not clairvoyant, they can only help you with what you disclose to them. So strive to be honest in therapy, or you may end up spending a lot of money with mediocre results.

4) As with many things in life, consistency is key. If you only go to therapy once a month or when you feel like you need it, you will not make much progress. As with transparency, consistency in therapy is essential. Showing up every week and being willing to talk about all aspects of your life, good, bad, and in between, will transform your life. And notice what may be getting in the way of your being consistent—those patterns of behavior may also be impeding you in other areas of your life. Your commitment to yourself and your growth starts with regularly scheduled therapy sessions.

5) A good therapist is going to challenge you. A good therapist is not going to agree with everything you say. They will point out your biases, inconsistencies, or patterns of thinking and beliefs that are limiting you. And you should want your therapist to question you, not as a means of playing devil’s advocate, but to spur your growth and help rid you of ways of coping and living that are not serving you. That being said. . .

6) A good therapist knows not to strip away your defenses too quickly and will support you as you change. I recall going to a therapist who had a great deal of insight but thought that I had more coping skills than I did (at a particularly hard moment in my life). I left every session feeling drained and spent an hour after each meeting putting myself back together. Therapy should NOT feel like that. A therapist should push you but recognize when you need care versus confrontation.

7) Not every therapy modality will work for everyone, and that is really, truly, ok. As a somatic therapist in San Francisco, I know that dance therapy and incorporating movement may not work for everyone who tries it, just as talk therapy is not the right modality for some clients. It is not my job to convince you what modality works for you but merely to be the best therapist I can and present dance therapy and the other therapeutic modalities I use with integrity so that you can decide what helps you.

8) Lastly, a good therapist knows that not every person will want to be their client. As much as I wish I could treat every person who calls me, the reality is that not every person will be a good fit for me to work with as a therapist. It may be the modality, the comfort or lack of comfort the potential client feels, or that the client is not ready to commit to therapy. Whatever the reason, as a therapist, I must accept that I might not be the therapist a client chooses and/or that I may not have the skillset to help a client. In any scenario where a client wishes to work with someone else, I am always happy to provide referrals to colleagues so that anyone who calls can get the help they seek.

I hope my insight gained from my years as both a therapist and therapy client proves useful to you. If you have any questions about therapy or finding a great therapist, please contact me at lisa@lisamanca.com