A Somatic Therapist’s Guide To Boundaries

Somatic Therapy San Francisco

If you have ever been in therapy, you have heard the word boundary before. To not overly complicate things, a boundary is a way to let people know what you are or are not willing to tolerate in your life. It is not as, I have unfortunately seen, a way to control behavior e.g. “you broke my boundary of not setting your feet on the couch!” or a way to rigidly govern your life. If a boundary is too rigid, it becomes a wall: too porous and the boundary may as well not exist. So how do you find what the right boundaries are for you? And how do you set those boundaries? As a somatic therapist in San Francisco, I guide people through discerning what their boundaries are and help them with what blocks them from setting boundaries. Read on for tips on how to incorporate boundaries into your life.

Boundaries Require Connecting With Your Body

In order to set a boundary , you must first connect with how you are feeling and truly be honest with yourself. If you get a physical sensation, say a pit in your stomach, and you ignore it, you will not be able to set a boundary that is true to how you actually feel. Many of us ignore or suppress our own feelings and physical sensations, especially negative ones, in order to maintain connection with others. While keeping relationships and connections is a worthwhile goal, this goal should not come at the expense of your own feelings. For example, say a friend is consistently late to meet with you.This person shows up a half hour late again and instead of listening to the twinge of anger or discomfort that manifests for you physically, you shrug it off and say “no worries” when they apologize for being late. In that scenario, you would be prioritizing the relationship over what you actually feel and deciding not to voice your annoyance. What would happen if you listened to your body and acknowledged your feelings of anger and resentment? Here is where many people struggle. If you listen to yourself and set a boundary, you may create tension in the relationship. Many people would rather stay uncomfortable and silence their feelings than risk any kind of friction in their relationships or friendships.

However, the more you connect with your body and notice any unease, tightness or other sensations as well as your emotions, the better equipped you will be to set boundaries that feel true to you. A good way to connect with your body is to sit without distractions and notice any feelings or physical sensations that arise. If you maintain an attitude of curiosity, rather than judgment, you can learn a great deal about how you are feeling. You can also ask your body “How am I feeling? What do I need?” and see what answers you find.

You Realize You Need To Set A Boundary, Now What?

So let’s continue with our example from above where the friend is consistently late. Say you recognize you are actually upset when your friend leaves you waiting for a half of an hour. How do you set a boundary around this behavior? Well first, you need to communicate how you feel about the situation. You can respectfully say to your friend, “I understand life gets hectic but when you leave me waiting for thirty minutes, I feel upset.” Now that you have communicated how you feel, you can make a request for changed behavior. “Please get here no more than 10 minutes late and text me if you are running behind.” That request to change behavior is the boundary you are setting. You don’t need to be explicit and say to the other person “I am setting a boundary.” Instead, simply identify for yourself that you are putting a boundary in place. Now, here is the important part: you can’t control the other person’s behavior. In fact, the person may continue to behave as they always have and you have no way to stop them. You can, however, decide what your action will be if the person shows up 30 minutes late again—and communicate that to them. You could say something like, “Next time, after 15 minutes of waiting I am going to leave.” This gives you control over your behavior and informs them what you will or will not be accepting in the future. Again, the boundary is not about ordering someone to behave a certain way. It is about asking for what you want and communicating a consequence and following through on the consequence. So let’s review. . .

Steps To Take In Order to Set A Boundary According To A Somatic Therapist In San Francisco

1) Notice any discomfort, physical sensations, or emotions when an event occurs. Get curious about what you are feeling, rather than suppressing it. This may be uncomfortable as you may have to acknowledge that another person is hurting you and then decide how you wish to address it.

2) Let the other person know how their behavior is affecting you. This step is crucial to foster clear and transparent communication. Maybe the person is unaware of how their actions affect you and if so, you are giving them a chance to behave differently.

3) Make a clear, direct request. It is important that you understand that you can’t control anyone else’s behavior and realize that how the person responds to this request is up to them. You can merely ask for what you need and see what happens.

4) Identify your response if the other person is unable to meet that request. Remember, your response to their behavior must be something you will follow through with. If you state that, for instance, you will never speak to someone again, yet clearly will not enforce that, your boundary becomes null and void. The other person will note (consciously or unconsciously) that you are not serious about the boundary you stated.

5) Follow through with your response if your request is not listened to. This is often the hardest step for most people. I will reiterate that the only person’s behavior that you can control is your own. If you are setting a boundary in the hopes of making someone behave differently, you may well be disappointed. It is best to set a boundary with the intent of helping you keep your peace of mind, not in hopes of changing the other person or their behavior.

Lastly, if you are worried that someone will become upset with you if you set a boundary, that may be an indication that you are prioritizing that person’s feelings over your own. Rarely do we need to provide boundaries when people are being reasonable or rationale, so assume that the person you are setting a boundary with might give you some push back. That’s okay. The resistance to the boundary is about their need to continue doing things as they see fit and not about you or your worth. Remember that.

Finally, if you struggle with identifying when you need boundaries, how to set boundaries, and how to respond to overstepped boundaries, please reach out to me at lisa@lisamanca.com. Therapy can help you clarify boundaries so you feel freer and able to live your best life!