Why Does Saying No Feel So Uncomfortable?
Have you ever been in this scenario? Someone (a friend, boss, or coworker) makes a request of you that you don’t want to do. You know you have every right to say no, and in fact, that’s what you want to do. However, it feels like your body is working against you: your heart races, your mouth gets dry, and your brain goes blank. For some of us, setting boundaries is not just knowing what to say or how to say it—it involves overcoming emotional responses that come with uncomfortable physical reactions.
For people who grew up in homes where it was not safe to express boundaries, they quickly learn that saying “no,” or that they would prefer not to, comes with consequences. Maybe parents yelled or ignored any attempts a child made at setting boundaries. Perhaps there were other negative incidents that happened every time a child said “no.” Whatever the incidents were in the past, somewhere in their history, there is a negative association with setting boundaries.
Since the body sometimes does not know whether something is occurring in the present moment or in the past, it often responds as though there is a current threat. Although your friend or your boss does not hold the power that a parent did, your body responds as though this conflict is a threat to your life.
Luckily, there are ways to reprogram your response to conflict, and somatic therapy is one of them. As a somatic therapist in San Francisco, I help clients explore these ingrained patterns and develop better body awareness. I help clients bring their unconscious patterns into consciousness so they can choose how they respond rather than just react. I focus on helping clients feel safe, even when in the midst of conflict.
What Happens in Your Body When You Set a Boundary?
When you go to set a boundary, what physical sensations do you experience? Some common physical symptoms for those who are struggling with setting boundaries might be:
Tightness in the chest or throat.
Knots in the stomach.
Shallow breathing.
An increased heartbeat or the sensation of the heart racing.
Muscle tension.
Freezing or an urge to leave the situation.
The body can respond to setting a boundary as an interpersonal threat, even when a boundary is reasonable and appropriate. The consequences that your body may anticipate are the reason it is reacting the way it is. By exploring these reactions and the history behind them, somatic therapy can help you navigate a new relationship with boundaries within your body.
How Past Experiences Can Make Boundaries Feel Unsafe
Childhood experiences, difficult past relationships, or traumatic experiences may influence how people respond to conflict. For many people, they are forced to make an unconscious choice between staying connected (which human beings are wired to do) and staying true to their own feelings and experiences. Since we are wired to connect and fear being ostracized, many people learn to prioritize others’ needs as they associate saying no with rejection and disconnection. People-pleasing can also be a learned survival strategy for maintaining safety or connection.
For those whose difficulties with boundaries stem from trauma, it is important to find trauma-informed therapists to help work through the trauma that causes people-pleasing behavior.
The Connection Between People-Pleasing, Anxiety, and Your Nervous System
If you have a fear of conflict and have trouble setting boundaries, you may respond by appeasing others, overexplaining, or agreeing automatically. When you anticipate another person's disappointment, you can trigger a stress response in your body. By learning to recognize your patterns and predict how you use defenses to avoid the discomfort of someone else’s negative feelings, you can start to change them.
Somatic therapy can help you become aware of the subtle signals your body is sending you before your automatic defenses start to kick in.
How Somatic Therapy in San Francisco Can Help You Feel More Comfortable Setting Boundaries
Somatic therapy in San Francisco is a body-oriented approach to mental health that explores the relationship between physical sensations, emotions, movement, and experiences. In particular, I use dance therapy to help clients connect to their bodies and explore movement patterns.
Somatic therapy can help clients:
Recognize bodily cues associated with discomfort and overwhelm related to disappointing or disagreeing with others.
Notice the difference between an internal sense of obligation and a genuine desire to say yes.
Explore emotional responses to conflict at a manageable pace.
Practice staying present in their bodies while communicating needs.
Develop greater self-awareness and confidence over time.
Somatic therapy can complement talk therapy and other therapeutic approaches. Somatic therapists often work with other therapists and psychiatrists to help provide the best care for clients.
Practical Ways to Begin Setting Boundaries Without Ignoring Your Body
Here are some strategies to practice when learning to set boundaries:
Take a pause before answering: Give yourself time to notice your reaction instead of feeling pressured to respond.
Notice physical sensations: Ask yourself what you feel in your body when considering a request. Even small physical sensations are worth noting.
Practice grounding techniques: Feel your feet on the floor and take a comfortable, unforced breath. Or try to engage each of your five senses. What do you see, smell, hear, taste, or feel around you?
Start with small boundaries: Practice expressing preferences in lower-pressure situations. Speak up when picking a restaurant or a movie. Start expressing yourself with people who will respect your choices and work up to those with whom you might experience conflict.
Use simple phrases that allow you time to process: Try saying, “I can't commit to that right now” or “I need some time to think about it.”
Allow discomfort to exist: You can feel guilty or anxious, but that doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.
All these strategies are suggestions, and feel free to test what works best for you. Some may not appeal to you, and that’s OK.
When to Consider Somatic Therapy in San Francisco
If you find that you feel responsible for everyone else's emotions and find yourself constantly agreeing to things (until you feel resentful or exhausted), it may be time to consider speaking with a therapist. Other signs that you may need to speak with a mental health professional include experiencing intense anxiety when expressing needs, struggling to recognize personal preferences, and finding that a lack of boundaries is affecting work, well-being, and relationships. Working with a therapist can help you explore these patterns in a supportive environment.
When looking for a somatic therapist in San Francisco, you should ask about the therapist’s approach to therapy, their specific somatic training, and their experience helping those with trauma, anxiety, and people-pleasing tendencies.
Conclusion: Boundaries Are a Practice in Self-Trust
Having difficulty setting boundaries doesn't mean someone is weak—in fact, a person may be responding in a way that protected them in the past. Physical and emotional responses are learned patterns that can be explored through therapy.
If you are struggling with setting boundaries, be kind to yourself. You can make progress and learn to work with your body’s responses. If you find that you need assistance in learning to trust your feelings and honor them through good boundaries, feel free to contact me at lisa@lisamanca.com or (415) 212-8780.